Is this the end or just the begining?

Sunday,24/4/16-April-time:11:59am

Dear beautiful souls,

Is this the end or just the beginning?

Writing is something I cannot bare to live without. It has helped me so much in ways you as a reader could never have imagined. But, the problem doesn’t lie there.

The problem is figuring out a place where to store all these thoughts without people who know you in real life getting a hold of them. Whether having a close relationship and never have met them, or whether I see or live with them in my daily life.

When one writes, they write what is on their mind. When they don’t have a sense of peace around them, they open a site like ‘wordpress’ and write with no limits. Just write and write forever and ever.

I call this a stranger zone. For the people I do not know much about. The only thing I have in common with them is them reading my work and me reading theirs.

But, nowadays I have this uneasiness in my heart. The feeling you get when being scared of people knowing you inside out. It’s not a very loveable feeling, but creates a barrier between the piece of paper and a writers mind.

Is this the beginning or is this just the end of my journey on here? Do I have to find another place and continue my journey leaving my thoughts all over the net in different places, or is this my final destination?

Should I call it a year or what?

I want to be able to go somewhere, and find a place where my heart finds peace. Where I can be with a group of strangers and help them as well as they help me. It’s like being blind folded and a random stranger just walks up to you and gives you a hand, and then leaves again. Only difference is, the strangers I deal with stay and the strangers the blindfolded person deals with, leaves.

I will continue to contemplate on leaving this place; only because I won’t be able to continue somehow. At least not until, some miracle happens, and this barrier between me and this piece of paper is eliminated completely.

But, on the other hand I could argue that I am just overthinking it a little too much. And overthinking is just simply poisonous to the mind and heart.

But, let us see where I am next to be found. Where my heart and mind leads me to. Where you as a reader take me. And where I truly find peace and happiness to reside by.

-theheartaches-

POINTLESSBLOG#3

Saturday, April-23/4/16-time:10:00pm

I forgot even how to start these things.. blerghhs anyways.. let today just be an informal rant/idek what..only because I cba to use my heart or brain just because I’m a little too tired.

Today was exhausting.. I actually just realized how much studying I actually have to do. you know them times when you think you can do anything and everything, and then there’s times when you just sit and realize you really can’t do anything. You’re absolutely like hopeless in life. yeh, that’s basically how I feel right now.

what is life though? I keep worrying about things which aren’t even in my hands. Like, I can’t even control em, so why even worry.. it’s so hard to not worry abwt someone or something that you rly care about ygm..

Migraines though..lets talk about migraines.. only cuz I got one right now and it’s unbelievable.. seriously though..why is it I got all the sicknesses that have no cure yet?

Imagine though..if I ever become a doctor and actually invent a cure for these sicknesses. Like, motion sickness. Where do I even get that from? Mum hasn’t got it, neither dad.. so why the fish do I hve it? what is this? Trains are probably the only type of transport that I don’t get sickness from.. planes, cars, buses..everything else is like allahu Akbar.. i’d rather just walk to all my destinations tbh.. who needs a stupid car anyways? All they ever do is cause global warming anyways.. so blerghhs it.. ima be that one individual when I grow up and do everything with my own two legs in sha allah..

My bro just bought a 200sr jacket which I am probs dying to steal from him.. he won’t let me share it cuz he said I’m rude to him.. swear down me and the word rude do not even fit in a sentence together.. they’re like both negative so they repel each other.. and yes I just called myself negative, I know.. but still.. it’s like i’m in a sea of delocalized electrons floating around.. only difference is, everything’s negative and not positive.. I blame chemistry for this.. I spent 2hrs (surprisingly) sitting and finishing the syllabus for the 500th time or suiin.. i’m getting bored of it, to the point where ima be bored to sit and write the stupid exam.. I will honestly just sit there and procrastinate about my cats and how much they love me compared to this ugly world.. and I will sit there writing the word ‘fluffy’ all over the exam paper; to the point where the examiner will be seeing that word for his entire life..well..whatevers left of it.. These examiners r oldies anyways..they probs gna die soon marking my paper.. swear down there’s a saying, that ‘you die the way u lived’.. imagine they die marking my paper..aaaaahh.. ima die of laughter..

why is it whenever I write these pointless blogs, I always talk abwt studies and exams? ima tell u why.. cuz they’re POINTLESS… get it? no? okies then.. hahhaaa

sigh.. what is life? the day someone can give me a proper answer, that is the day I will fall into place.. I will be conscious and aware of what is actually going on in my life..because honestly.. for the past 10 years or so; I’ve been lost..completely lost..

Lost, in the happiness and smiles of other people. Their endless problems become mine. Their lives are just simply mine, to the point where I begin to question, “do I actually have my own life?” That’s another question I will never be able to answer..

I don’t know where I am going. I want to skip through life and sleep in your arms and surround myself with your laughter, smile, and happiness. Your warmth and love. Your happiness and peace. I want you to wrap your arms around me, just so I can finally say, “I am safe”. I want to go about life knowing that all my worries and burdens aren’t weighing me down anymore. I want to be able to pray beside you just so I can hear your recitation; for that is my number one dream..to be able to be lead in fajr salah by the man of my dreams.

But, you know what’s the sad thing about saying and wanting all of this? It’s that if any of this came true.. if I were ever to get married to the man I love; if any of these dreams were to ever come true, I would be too scared. Not a kind of scared as in shyness or being nervous. An actual fear. It would be the biggest fear in my life.

Because, every dream or every blessing that I get given to me; there’s a big price to pay for it all. Whether it’s the smallest blessing in the world, a big test comes out of it. And, so imagine if I were to receive the biggest blessing ever in my entire life.. Imagine how big of a test that would be.. Just imagine. It would be immense. It would be terrifying. It would be painful. It would be tragic.

But, even though it would be the worst test ever yet to come. I would rather go through it with the one I love most. I would rather be terrified and be beside you. Because, if we share the test together then it won’t be that big. It won’t be that tragic. And it won’t be that painful. We can be successful together. Pass it together. And help one another. Our love can be infinite.

So, going through such a big test with you just becomes another blessing in itself. yes, yes it does. You will fall, I will pick you up. I will fall, and you will pick me up. That is what true love is. yes?

981 words? wow.. that was long..blerghss this man.. ima go and pray isha then get back to studying and make dua that I finish before 3am; cuz that’s our time man; and I need to contemplate life then..

I have a bio class tmrw..I seriously am questioning every two minutes wether I should go to it or not? will I get in trouble? nah course not..i’m zaynab.. I always find a way out of things inih..hahaha.. ima make istikhara on that in sha allah..

Anyways, the time is like what? 9:56pm.. So this has been sooooo long so sorry for that.. hope u enjoyed it whoever u r.. and I love u loads..smiley smiles cuz I said so..and cuz I’m amazing..haha

Salams you beautiful souls..xox

-theheartaches-

 

 

close your heart; and open your mind…

Thursday, 21/4/16-April 6:00pm

Dear beautiful souls,

I could have never imagined in my entire life meeting a beautiful soul like you. How you have helped me with just your presence is simply unimaginable. Your words don’t just attack my heart; but allow me to live daily. Its like a beautiful light that just sits there shining on me when there is no one.

Life with me, I can tell you now will be tough. For a soul who has never had anyone, this is all somewhat new to her. To never have had anyone to open up to and live on the sidewalk in peoples lives has just become a daily thing for her.

So, when you decide to sit with her and talk about how bad life is, and ask her millions of questions; know that no answer will come through her lips straight away. Time will take its time to help her feel comfortable in your arms. To ensure her that you’ll never drop her a year down the line.

It will take effort, determination, and a heck of a lot of time for her to just utter a personal statement straight from her heart. It will take years and years to get to know just the basis of her life.

She never intends on making life hard for you; for this is just the way she is. The way she has lived. And the way she has grown up. She is just another helpless, selfless, and aimless soul in this vast world.

To be able to adapt to her life will be yet another daily struggle. She is a two in one. She will laugh the most at personal statements which you say, just to shut it off completely. But, she will then look up to the sky just so the tears remain in her eyes and not fall down her cheeks.

You may think you know her. As being the closest don she’s ever had. But, that isn’t the case. No, she is not trying to be difficult. She is difficult. She needs to be reassured every step of the way. The damage been caused to her throughout her life is the reason for all of this, and what she has become.

So after speaking just a little about her. Would you still want to spend the rest of your life with her? Would you be able to sit on the ground with her at 3am and cry till dawn? Will you be able to comfort her and keep her warm? Will you? Will you?

-close your heart; and open your mind-

-theheartaches-

 

 

This is my candle sitting right here…

You may ask why at times I am on here so very quite often, and all of a sudden take a big leap and be non existent.

The thing is, I only come on here when I feel the need to talk to strangers, when I feel the need to be alone with just some random souls who happen to read my words.

Being a writer on instagram has enabled me to develop relationships with other writers; and I have invited them to take a sneak peak into my so called crazy life.

I have given them a value in my life, and gotten to know them a little more than I should have. I haven’t done a very good job of keeping my distance from any of them, simply because instagram is just one of them apps that allows you to be in close contact with your loved ones.

So, when I just want a bunch of strangers to read my writings; or when I feel the need to pour my soul out, this is where I turn to.

I do not know many of you well, and I look at that as being a beautiful thing as well as an advantage for me to be okay with you reading what I write.

I enjoy the need of staying as an anon on here, and will do so. It gives me a place to escape to when I feel alone in this vast world. It helps me to rebuild the walls around me, and gives me a sense of stability in my life.

And even though I will never be of much use to this area of writing, I hope I can make my heart feel at a little ease by sitting here, writing for myself without thinking what other people are going to think about when they sit down to read my work.

I look at this as a beautiful opportunity to regain my sanity in life. And, I truly hope it does help you regain your own sanity, because everyone deserves to just have a place where they can turn to when the world simply just leaves them in complete darkness.

So, this is my candle sitting right here.

And, I only choose to light it when there is no light to be found within my soul.

-theheartaches-

 

…always & forever

Some days were meant to find me, and others?
well, others were just meant to cross me.

I gave you a part of me. I didn't lend it to you, but gave it to you 
to keep for eternity.
I didn't let myself in on any of my own secrets, rather I informed 
you even before I informed myself. Is that even possible?
You were a part of me, that I cared and nurtured for, for years and 
years; not realizing of the damage it would do to me.
The consequences that arose one by one; coming from all different 
directions at once. All aimed at one soul, me. 

When someone takes a part of you. They take a part of your life. 
And after that, you don't get to have control over what that part 
does to you, or what you become. 
Whether they come back or leave, that part of you will always remain
with them. Inside of them. 

Some come back and realize of the damage it has caused to you, 
whereas most? Most just walk away, not caring whether you are unable to 
breathe without them, or whether you end up in coma because of them. 

Very few will realize the damage and pain they have caused you. 
And those people? they are the ones with real hearts. 

In the olden days there were more soft hearts than hard ones.
But today?
Today there are more hard hearts than soft ones. 

The damage this world has done to one another is just incredible, 
isn't it? 
It does damage to one, and that 'one' infects all the others.
It didn't just come about. 
Something happened. 
Something tragic happened.
And, just that one small (or big) tragedy has had a humongous effect
on all of us. Each individual of us. 

But, those with the soft hearts till this day, are the brave ones. 
They are the fighters. The ones who deserve an award. 
The ones who deserve recognition for all they have done, till this 
day. 

Some of these days are just meant to be a pass for me. 
I consider them as 'irrelevant days'. 

And, that is why I say, "Some days were meant to find me, and others?
well, others were just meant to cross me."

And those days? They occur every month. On the 19th of every month. 
Nothing tragic happened on that day. 
But, a huge part of me had left me.
You came a couple of months back and took, not just a small part, 
but a big part of me; and took off within just hours. 

I call that no tragedy, but a blessing. That I actually got to be a 
part of your life. 
That I got to be with you, out of 7 billion people. 
yes, you are no longer here. 
But, if you have such a big part of me, you can't go that far; now 
can you? 

So, I have a message for you. 
"I don't know where you are, or what you are doing right now, but I 
know that whatever I am feeling, you are feeling; because that big 
part that you took from me was the other half of my heart. 

You will always and forever be inside whatever part of my heart I 
have left. 
I love you forever and always. I did yesterday, do today, always have, 
and always will." 
-theheartaches-

Some motivation for myself…

Some days my iman (faith) is so high that when I look over to my right shoulder, I see an angel smiling at me and you (my brother) clapping for me from above;

And other days? well, if I told you what happened on other days, you’d be so frightened you’d run away and never come back here again.

But, the positive is too good to let go, right? so let us speak of the good and forget the bad.

Those days are like none other. The devil (shaytaan) would try his utmost best to deviate me from the path of good. His brothers and friends would do the same. They become an army of bad focused on just ‘me’; and well… you know, I just feel too important (haha).

The whispers coming from all directions, going inside me, through my veins and into my blood; and I make the decision whether to keep it inside me or throw it out with all the ability I have in the world.

This is my war. My war alone, which no one speaks of very often.

People go around and talk about all the problems in the world to one another, not realizing that it is only YOU who can fight them yourself. No one can fight them with you or for you.

It is YOU alone, with the help of Him above you.

The tests. The struggles. The pain. The everything!

Some people look up and say to themselves, ‘these days will never pass’. I mean, what a away to demotivate yourself.

A lot of people get asked, what motivates you in life? And they always give another reason, but themselves. They say, ‘Johnny Depp’, ‘Albertt Einstein’ and what not. Little do they realize… little do YOU realize that the only motivator in the world is who? Is YOU my friend. YOU.

No one else in this whole wide world can motivate you but, yourself.

And the same is with demotivation. No one can demotivate you, but yourself.

You the one who allows all of those words to get to your head from your enemies. You do. So, now tell me. Who really demotivated you? YOU did. No one else did. It was all You.

Now how does this relate to what I said in the beginning.

The devil only comes and whispers in your ear. He only persuades you. He never comes and does the act for you. Never. It is your choice if you want to do the act or not. He cant come and do that for you.

The same thing goes for people too. These enemies you have on the street or next door to you that you see every day, can only say words to you to persuade you to do something. They cant come into your life and affect you, if you don’t let them.

What does that mean? If you bolt the door of your house, how will they get in? they will attempt to go through your windows through any door they find just to bring you down. But if you bolt the window, the door, the side door, every door that you have in your house, they wont be able to get in now, will they?

Same thing goes with your brain. Think of your brain as a door. If you bolt your brain from all directions and block the information coming from all directions, then well done. You have won.

That is the way to defeat not only your enemies in this life, but your whisperer enemies (the shaytaan) as well. Then you are the real winner.

But, the struggle isn’t over yet. It is hard enough doing all of this. But the real struggle is keeping it up. That is the biggest struggle you will ever face in life. That is keeping something you want to do up.

Now, that I can’t tell you how to do; because, it is different for all types of people. All different issues have their different ways of resolving. So, that is where you have to be smart and figure your way out on your own.

As I said earlier, only you can help yourself. No one can come and run this race for you. It is you alone with Him above you directing you.

And remember, He will only help you, if you want Him to. what does that mean? If you’re not willing to help yourself, then don’t expect Him to just come and do all the work for you.

You have to want it bad enough to be able to beg Him for it.

The only thing I can give you, which will help you in every issue and hardship; which is the same for all problems and which will never change, is the formula called FDP (Faith, Dua (prayer), and Patience). That is the best way and the most logical way of dealing with any hardship in your life.

And remember, if you want a good life bad enough. If you want a dream bad enough, anything is possible. Remember, the sky’s the limit, love. And this is your life; you can run it the way YOU want.

Take charge. Be great. And, don’t just be great. Be the greatest of them all.

-theheartaches-

 

i dont want to…

I don’t want to wake up one morning and find out I’m not there anymore.

Find out my soul has ran away from me, because of the fear it feels when it’s inside me.

I don’t want to look in the mirror and see the reflection of my past coming back to life.

I don’t want to die in this way.

I don’t want a story to be written about me, and read to my friends children so they may learn about me.

I don’t want to be another lesson to all those who need guidance.

I don’t want to be just another unjustified book on the shelf, awaiting to be picked up by some random soul, because they’re bored and haven’t got anything else better to do.

I don’t want to…!

So, why not ask me what I want to be?

no.. wait.. do not ask me what I want to be.

For, I have not yet figured that out.

The only thing I know so far about myself, and about what I want to be;

is a blessing in ‘her’ life.

Let me give some value to the word ‘her’.

My mother.

-theheartaches-

 

 

Fairy lights obsession and rain…

Well… as you all know, it barely rains down here… maybe once or twice every 2 years, and that’s all we get. So, when it rains, we all do get a little too excited about all the gloominess that surrounds us.

Fun fact though; I have this obsession with fairy lights. And I’m not talking about a tiny obsession, I’m talking about a huge obsession.

Today was just one of them days where I was like, I just have to decorate my dining room with lights, because its all nice and gloomy, damp and a little bit chilly here and there, so why not? What’s a better way than to just throw around beautiful fairy lights here and there on all your framed work, vases of god knows what and a big fat clock of yours?

So, that is exactly what I did.. And also, why not just have some hot chocolate too, I thought? My sister was actually making breakfast for my mum, and I was bloomin’ hungry. So, I was like; a hot chocolate is just the perfect thing… aaaand I was hungry for food, and so why not just make an egg sandwich too.

So, that was quite an interesting morning. Also, a very beautiful one. College got cancelled today, so that’s the reason I decided to write a post on this.

Oh, fish..I have an 80 mark bio exam on Sunday, and that paper is only one hour. I need to rest my fingers for approximately 6 days, starting now; in case I break them whilst writing that paper. If you ever look at a bio AS paper, all you will see is lines. Lol.

Today I was supposed to have a mechanics exam, but oh well… what to do… guess it’ll just have to be done tomorrow inih..haha..

Anyways, hope you all have a wonderful day. I love you all, and salams…xxx.

-theheartaches-

 

 

pointlessblog#2

Today was such a bad day..bas y3ani, alhamdulilah for erythang inih.. can’t expect aaalll the days to be perfect now can we? so, sometimes you come to a point in life where you want to forget someone; but at the same time remember them…but u want to remember them in such a way that its not like a grieving way, but more of a smiley and happy way.. so more like remembering the joy and happiness of being with em and not all that went wrong.. is there even a way to do that? I doubt there is.. cuz, when you remember the good, you end up remembering the bad ; and vice versa.. which is so annoying though..

I wish we could just pick the memories we want to keep and choose the ones we just wanna throw away in a bin and forget about em completeellyyy and for reals neverrr rmbr em again.. like yuno.. a delete button.. blerghh..wat to do..that’s life inih.. hard as anything..

I can guarantee you though tmrws gna be a messed up day too..i’d tell u why nd all, but it’s too much of a sad and depressing thing to talk about..well..not necessarily depressing.. more of like a, sad, angry, annoying, unimaginable, upset kind of thing,.. so, I for reals do not want to turn this blog into some kind of memorial… LOL.. imagine that though.. imagine someone actually did that.. set up some memorial page for the person they once loved.. id dieeee of laughter at how stupid tht wud be… not in a sense tht the idea is stupid..well it is in a way.. cuz like, if u tryna forget the person nd all, nd then ur setting up some memorial page; wouldn’t that be a bit stupid or weird..I dunno..u let me know if it’s stupid or not.. I think it is anyway… but blerghh..

Me eating my favvvv cheese everrrr and its soooo good.. its basically the cheddar one called ‘kashkaval’…I srsly donot know how anyone cannot like this, unless they despise cheese all together… bas yaani, if ur a cheese lover then, this is the way to go… and also if u haven’t heard of it then woah..u missin out big time.. I just got it beside me with a knife nd im nibbling on it whilst writing this rubbish blog post, which btw absolutely makes no sense and has no context to it..hence the name ‘pointlessblog’…paahahha nooowww u understand where I got the name from.. its rly pointless..I just write it cuz I got homework nd I don’t wanna do homework rn cuz im tired..and hungry.. srsly im alwayssss tired and hungry.. ask me how I am erryday and this is the response youll get.. even if I have jus woken up or jus eaten, i’ll still say the same thing.. I know..weird inih..

mmkaaayyy..think you’ve had enough? nah? shall me continue orrr no? you decide rly… I mean, you are the one reading this stupid post and taking out ur preciousss time to read my dumb posts.. ahahahaa…

anywaysss..sorry abwt tht.. I was just taking advantage of my happiness and laughter whilst its still there, cuz I know some time after this, I will go bk to being on my other side.. (yesss, I got two sides).. I kinda show both..but barely the other side..u only get a tiny bit though…hey! be happy..u get more than wat others get.. Actually, they don’t get anything of me other side..im always so jumpy and talkative all the time..so that’s what they get.. u guys kinda get it all yuno..balanced out etc.. half and half..orrr..maybe just half and a quarter.. yeh..that makes much more sense..

btw..I have not edited any of the spelling here, so excuse me if ur like in ur 30’s and cannot read slang..my apologies for that.. I shall get back to the formality in my nxt blog post iA.. I jus said that cuz Ive realized tht majority (id wanna say) of yous lot r oldieesss…ahhahaa..or maybe im jus still a baby? nah..u lot r oldiesss..so that’s why.. lol joke..love u all..

k..I need to get homeworking now.. (where’d I get tht word from?)..god knows..anywayss..I need to go finish off more cheese, then do homework, then pray isha..aaanddd then finaalllyyy go to sleeeppp in my one and only fav place, ‘the sofa’…hahaa

I hope u all enjoy ur evening/night…me love u very veryyy muuchhh aaanddd yah..goooooodd nighhttt u beautiful souls…xxx

-theheartaches-

Beautifying sadness…

How do you do it so openly? share your feelings with the world? Make them understand how you’re feeling?

How do you make them look at you in an unsympathetically way? how though?

We live in such a world, that whenever we start to be sad, or upset in any way, we are looked at as ungrateful people. When we complain in a more realistic way other than shouting or becoming angry, we are still looked at as ungrateful people.

So, what do you do when the world is against you and chooses to be on your left side continuously?

You sit and write about the endless hard times you face throughout your life. You pick whether you want to show it to the world or keep it to yourself. Either a blog or a private diary.

But, then you get people questioning when they find out you have a diary, or when they find out you write, as to why you are so sad all the time?

You have it all in your mind, all in your actions, but when it comes to telling anyone; you become ever so speechless. The time taken to form those sentences in your brain and taken out through your mouth with the help of your tongue is infinite. It never becomes reality, but stays as a dream; imagining you opening up to the one you trust and love most is what becomes a procrastination continuously.

And that is why you keep it a secret. That is why you become independent; because you realize that there isn’t anyone really there and that its just your imagination. You’re scared of the world.

Helpless. selfless. Aimless; is what I use most to describe myself.

But, beautifying the way you write, only you will ever know. The way you make every problem and hardship of yours look like a leaf has dropped and not a nuclear bomb, is incredible. The way you word your sad stories make people smile instead of cry, as to how you have had such a beautiful ending, even though your life has been an endless nightmare.

But, you choose to write for your own sanity and not anyone else’s. You choose to keep all your problems to yourself so that you don’t bother anyone else with your endless complaints. You choose to beautify other peoples life’s in the way you imagine your life to be. And that is where your happiness lies. In other peoples lives. In others peoples laughter and happiness. In other peoples smiles.

You make yourself continue this unending journey filled with obstacles  just by seeing people smile because of you

And that is the way a closed life works. The feeling of never being loved by anyone is unimaginable. But, loving others is what you call a daily routine. Giving and giving, instead of continuously taking makes you smile even more. It brightens your day up from all the darkness that prevails.

So, having a diary isn’t something to be scared of. The part that becomes scary is finding out when people you know have read what you’ve written. Then questions arise. People become confused. Because, they could have never imagined you in this way. But, soon enough when they continue to dig deeper, they find out that you have two sides to your story, and not just one. Two sides as a person. Then, you end up never wanting to face them again. And that is just one of the many things you fear.

But, it’s okay. To be scared of people finding out about your true self. It’s ok. Because, you’re not the only one. There are many others just like you. Many others with a similar story, that when told gives a true reflection of themselves. It gives  people an insight into who you truly are, which btw isn’t a bad thing; but more of a beautiful thing.

-theheartaches-